


Surrender

by ejchronicles



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Minor Violence, Past Kara Danvers/Mon-El, Project Cadmus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-04-17 18:08:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14194710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ejchronicles/pseuds/ejchronicles
Summary: A story of unlikely friendships, broken relationships, and the sacrifices we make for the people we love. Sometimes love finds us in an open field under a glimmering sun. However, sometimes we find it far off in the shadows of evil and deception where our greatest heartbreak, disappointment, rage, and guilt manifest all in the search for the happiness that once consumed us.Lena Luthor and Kara Danvers were always an unlikely pair, but when the Daxamite invasion threatens everything, the aftermath pushes them on opposite ends of a passionate war with no adequate right and wrong. Friends become collateral damage and impossible choices force our characters to question the very definition of their existence, blurring the lines of their heroics and morality. Will love ever be enough to save them?





	1. Fade Into You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! It's taken a long time to get this story off the ground and I hope this first chapter sells you on the ride! For context, this takes place after the season 2 finale.

She’s free falling. Plummeting over a hundred miles an hour back to the concrete and she’s helpless to kick in her powers and fly herself to safety.

Only a moment ago, she was on the roof of Catco fighting Rhea; Rhea’s exposed Kryptonite blood weakening her. She was on the cusp of losing the fight when through blurry eyes, she could see Mon-El snatch the trigger and release the lead gas exposure. It all seemed over for a moment before she felt it: Rhea’s hidden Kryptonite dagger plunged into her chest. Between fluttering eyes, she could see Mon-El disintegrating. She reached out for him, but she was so close to the edge. One wrong sway and that was it...

Her consciousness is waning and she only has one thought left.

A name.

_ Lena. _

* * *

There’s a constant beeping, a hum so subtle if she wasn’t focused on it she’d miss it. And murmuring. People whispering in every which direction but too soft to decipher real words.

Kara Danvers feels a complete lack of control for the first time in her life. As she lay on a cold, stiff table, unable to conjure up the strength to move her body or even just open her eyes, she feels an immense sense of physical mortality like no other.

In a similar state of helplessness, two feet away Alex Danvers stands staring at a cluster of monitors beside her, waiting catatonically for a change in Kara’s levels. She’s bore her stare into those monitors for hours on end, memorized their exact movement and rhythm, cataloged each number it flashes with the one hope something animated, something with life will pour itself through the routine of it all.

Alex stands there, the definition of prepared, yet still she freezes as the steady beat of Kara’s heart rate quickens subtly.

She tenses, every emotion rushing in her in one breath, and suddenly a hypersensitivity to the world comes alive within her. The beeping hammers on and Alex rushes beside Kara, clutching her hand as an anchor.

“Kara?!” Alex calls out. “Kara, it’s me! You’re at the DEO. You’re safe.”

Kara fails to respond, though. She can feel Alex squeezing her hand and shoving her shoulder lightly. She wants nothing more than to move her head towards her, however her mind and body are rejecting the communication.

“Please, Kara. Please just open your eyes,” Alex begs.

The love and desperation in Alex’s voice drives her. She uses that to motivate her last ounce of physical energy. She peels her eyelids open and light consumes her.

In seconds, she blinks into focus Alex hovering above her. Kara can barely focus on her at first. All of her senses hit her like a truck, as if she’s just emerged from underwater.

“Kara, oh my god. I’m so happy you’re awake...”

Alex is talking so fast and moving so quickly and crying. She’s crying so much. Kara wants to formulate words, but they won’t come fast enough for a sentence.

“Alex…” she croaks out.

“You’re okay.”

Alex is running her hands along Kara’s arm to calm her, unaware she is even shaking.

“How… How long…”

“You’ve been out for almost a month. Rhea stabbed you with Kryptonite. You almost died. We’ve been slowly trying to heal you since…” Alex trails off and looks away from her.

Kara’s eyes close again briefly, her physical exhaustion still an insurmountable beast fighting for control. She forces herself to stay present, but her eyes refuse to open.

It’s then Kara notices there is another hand in hers.

_ Mon-El? _

He’s the only person Kara can think would be here. Though, she realizes he is being awfully quiet. He usually is much more vocal; Kara thinks it is indistinctly a part of his charm that he is consumed by words the way Kara is consumed by silence.

However, just as quickly as her body warms with endearment at such a thought, it runs cold as the image of his face crumbling away replays through Kara’s mind. A gut wrenching ache settles deep in her stomach and she strains to lift her eyelids. To find him there or to not, she seeks the closure. Nevertheless, her body is far too worn down for such a small task.

So, instead, she assesses the hand. She can feel its vague familiarity, yet it’s much too fragile and soft to be Mon-El’s. Kara feels a hint of a tremble as a soft thumb caresses the outside of her own. The engraving of a cold metal ring rests on one of the strangers fingers and Kara can just make out the impression some of the words leave on her skin.

She recognizes the beginnings of a Kryptonian symbol… the House of El coat of arms. Suddenly it dominos together and like a shock of electricity, Kara is fluttering her eyes back open and jerking her head as much as she can to extend her gaze to look at the source; the source with which Kara gave that exact ring to in what only felt like days ago, but was in fact over a month now. Her breathing stops when she meets those piercing green eyes…

Lena Luthor stands there in all her natural angelic glow, tainted by broken tears freely flowing down her face. Kara’s never seen the CEO in such a state of despair, not even when she spent weeks consoling her after Jack died. There’s so much Kara wants to say, but she can’t even fathom uttering a single word to mend the emotional turmoil unravelling itself before her.

Kara feels Lena’s hand squeeze hers tightly in assurance.

“Don’t speak too much. Focus on recovering,” Lena murmurs.

“You  **know** …” Kara gasps. Lena brokenly nods her head in confirmation as more tears fall.

“Yeah,” Lena adds. “We can talk later. Get more rest.”

_ Lena knows she is Supergirl. _

Despite the onslaught of panic, Lena’s voice calms her and suddenly Kara is lulled back to sleep… 

* * *

Jack Daniels. It’s not a particularly high class drink. But the sweet burn that settles all over Lena’s body does well in numbing the reckless thoughts she wishes to wallow in.

Despite her current alcohol induced circumstance, Lena Luthor is a simple girl. Of course she is an entrepreneur, innovator, genius, sex symbol, billionaire. However, at her core she is simple. She prefers sweats to elegant gowns, solids to patterns, and like right now, a good whiskey over an expensive wine. For all the power she’s built up around her, she likes simple.

It’s understandable, though. When someone spends their entire life at the mercy of Lillian Luthor’s harsh words and definitive choices, one would begin to desire the simpler things in life. In Lena Luthor’s case, all she wanted was  _ love _ . All the money in the world could never buy such a feeling and as a child Lena was determined to find it.

She sought it in the form of obedience, assuming playing the role of a perfect daughter would grant her access to the warmth she felt Lillian could possess as a mother. But it only made her push Lena harder. Years of pushing granted Lena awards and medals at school, professionally, even in her leisure activities. She was the best at everything. Captain of three varsity sports in high school, All-American by university, and a national champion by the time she started her Masters. She was a record-breaking winner of her robotics and chess teams, on the executive board of every club she joined. She finished a double major in her undergrad in three years. She had a PhD by 22 and was CEO of an international technology conglomerate empire by 24. But God was it so lonely. Never being enough to earn a sincere ounce of love from the woman meant to be her mother.

Lena tried everything, yet, she just never appeared to be good enough. It had been so long with an absence of love, she wondered if she could ever truly receive such a thing from another person. Lingering thoughts would catch her thinking:  _ perhaps it was never Lillian, it was just her _ .

But then Lena Luthor met Kara Danvers.

Kara Danvers walked into her office on an unsuspecting autumn day and suddenly the hidden doors to life’s greatest secret opened and Lena Luthor knew all her doubts could float away. Because Kara Danvers cared about her. Not in a way meant to use her - Kara could care less about Lena’s money or her power - but in a way that convinced Lena that she actually  _ mattered _ .

Kara brought flowers when she was sad. Kara let her pick where they would get lunch, even though Lena knows she’s a picky eater. And then Kara would insist on paying for the meal, not to prove a point, but because she knew such a gesture was unheard of in Lena’s world. Kara hugged Lena and held her hand and smiled at her just because she  _ could _ . Kara challenged the ideologies Lena grew up understanding and she only did so to inspire the best version of Lena that could exist.

Kara used her connections to Supergirl to save her life countlessly, even when the Luthors and Supers had nothing but a trail of hate amongst them. But Kara put all her beliefs into her anyway. Because Kara  _ cared _ about her.

And  _ fuck _ did that mess with Lena. Because Lena took the first sign of genuine compassion and loyalty she’d ever received in her life and  _ fell in love with it _ . All the power and money in the world couldn’t protect her from what Kara made her feel. Lena became vulnerable and gullible and almost destroyed the entire world because she chose to see the good in people. Just like Kara always did for her.

Kara lost her boyfriend because of Lena.

And Lena lost herself.

So she was going to run; she was going to walk away.

She vowed never to love.

To never think about what the girl with the glasses and notepad made her feel.

To never think about Kara Danvers agai-

“You should really slow down before we have a repeat of last time,” Alex nudges beside her.

But that would prove only too simple a thought to have. Because Lena was already too intertwined into Kara’s world. The second Supergirl plummeted from Catco’s roof and Lena found  _ her _ , everything Lena came to know about her existence crumbled.

“I will have you know I  _ thoroughly _ enjoyed myself last time,” Lena counters back. “Hey M’gonn! Two more JD’s please. Neat, like usual.”

M’gonn nods her head in acknowledgement as Lena turns her attention back to Alex.

“What you see as fun, I see as damage control,” Alex retorts.

“Excuse you. No one said you had to babysit me.”

“If I don’t, no one else will.”

Take this moment in time: Lena’s sitting at the alien bar next to none other than Alex Danvers. If someone told her she’d be here a month ago, she would have laughed at the sheer thought.  _ Lena Luthor in an alien bar. _ But the universe loves to play a sick joke: Lena’s been here every night for the past month with Alex.

“Winn saw me home that one time and I didn’t see  _ him _ getting into any bar fights.” Lena raises an eyebrow towards Alex challengingly.

“You’re a slutty drunk and Winn was enjoying the show too much with everyone else in the bar to do anything.”

“Winn’s too innocent to try anything.”

“Doesn’t mean he doesn’t like to watch.”

“And what about you Alex? Do  _ you _ like to watch?” Lena suggestively runs her hand down Alex’s bicep.

“Oh no. We’re not going there.” Alex shakes Lena’s touch away and looks at her pointedly. “Just because you’re in love with my sister doesn’t make me the cheap knock off replacement.”

Alex’s words resonate in Lena for a moment, the light banter doubling with a heavier meaning.

Lena can still recall when they made it to the DEO after the end of the Daxamites rule over National City. She couldn’t stop shaking and no one would answer any of her questions. It was Alex who eventually took her into an empty interrogation room to calm her down; it was Alex who decided to explain Kara’s truth: that she and Supergirl were one and the same.

Lena had never felt such an overwhelming string of emotions in her life. To try and categorize them into something somewhat tangible would have required a level of consciousness she was completely lacking in that moment in time. Which meant it was only natural the only words Lena could mutter through her breakdown summed up her absolute love and devotion to Kara.

It was Alex’s solution to get Lena drunk, somewhere far away from all the turmoil and drama. Apparently, it was the perfect timing for a budding friendship considering the next day, Maggie went MIA to Metropolis with a cryptic note about needing more time in response to Alex’s impromptu marriage proposal.

However, as quickly as all those memories come rushing in, Lena shoves them back into the corner of her mind to hold on to a few more moments of solitude in the midst of a raging storm of complicated, forlorn loves.

“C’mon…” Lena murmurs. “Your girlfriend left you. And I… Well, I have never had one. So let’s wallow together.” Lena pauses for dramatic effect before leaning into Alex more closely. “Under my silk bed sheets… Naked. And moaning.”

Alex gently shoves her away, chuckling and shaking her head. “You know, if people knew how unpolished you were when you drink, I wonder how many more business offers you’d be getting.”

“You’re avoiding the offer…” Lena sing-songs.

“And you’re just avoiding,” Alex counters.

Alex knew Kara better than anyone. So it was no surprise she’d be Lena’s shoulder to lean on. Every night at the alien bar, Lena would plummet into promiscuity with blondes with strong arms and charming smiles to placate the fears the one person she does want will never love her back. Alex would be there every time to fight off horny guys or girls or aliens if things got out of hand. She’d see Lena home safely and she’d cover the tab sometimes if Lena was having a particularly tough night.

“Oh please. We’re not getting to the therapist portion of the night already are we?” Lena looks away, taking a large sip of her newly filled glass of whiskey. The burn that settles deep in her stomach does well in placating the bubbling despair ready to pour out any second.

“Lena, you know I’m the reality check because I care about you.”

“Don’t…” 

“What? Don’t remind you that Kara isn’t the only person who could possibly think you matter?” Alex tries reaching out to her but Lena shifts her body out away from her touch.

Lena poured her heart into everything she did and Alex related so strongly to such motivations. Alex didn’t get where she is in the DEO just because she wanted it. She had to prove something to herself and everyone else in her life. Her work matters in that her whole purpose revolves around it.

Lena’s work had similar parallels. She took L Corp from a world dominating killing machine to becoming a leading innovator as a force for good. Lena wanted to save the world in her own way and without her work, she would wallow in all the shortcomings her personal life amounts to. Because Lena wanted to be loved and all she did was pour her heart into loving others, it made caring about Lena easy. 

“You know the decision I’m making when she wakes up. You saying those…  _ things _ only makes it harder on all of us, Alex.”

However, after Kara’s near death experience and the Daxamite invasion brought on by Lena, Lena learned an unfortunate lesson in seeking out other’s love. She exposed her vulnerability. Her one true weakness was used against her, and even worse, it bored its stare directly at her the second Kara almost died. Lena took all that responsibility with her and she knew the only way to protect Kara would be to walk away.

“I’m going to miss you,” Alex admits softly. “This,” she gestures between them. “I’ve never had a lesbro before.”

“I’m not a lesbian.”

“But you’re ridiculously gay for my sister?”

“It’s called being  _ pansexual _ , Danvers.”

“All lesbians were once curious bisexual women waiting to be sapphically charmed by the right woman. Just look at me.”

“All lesbians are just scared bisexual women will leave them for a man so they make up such silly thoughts in their head.”

“Ouch. You hit me right where it hurts.” Alex covers her hand over her heart, giving off a look of pain on her face.

“Where? Your vagina?”

Alex laughs heartily, Lena joining in with her.

“You’re incorrigible, Luthor.”

“I prefer the term unashamed.”

“Ass.”

“I’m actually more of a boobs person.”

“You’re so weird.”

The two settle their banter into a comfortable silence, both finding solace in their drinks.

“You know I’m going to miss you too, Alex,” Lena reveals quietly. “More than I can possibly put into words.”

Lena had only ever wanted to protect herself.

“I know. The feelings mutual.”

She couldn’t possibly feel such hurt and anguish and humanity if she removed the one person who made her feel exactly all those things.

“Just take care of her for me.”

It wouldn’t stop her from loving Kara.

“Like you’d ever have to ask.”

And it certainly wouldn’t stop her from putting all her efforts into saving Kara’s life.

“To us,” Lena commands, raising her glass in salute.

Lena had a plan.

“To us,” Alex mimics.

But no one knew how complicated this was all going to become once she began its execution.

“If tonight shall be our last-”

“Then let’s celebrate it like it’s our only.”

Now all she had to do was wait for Kara to wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As an added note: while Lena and Alex have (and will continue to have) a somewhat flirtatious and affectionate friendship, I will maintain it as platonic throughout this story. I've just always been interested in exploring Lena with fully formed friendships with characters outside of Kara/Supergirl. Plus, the more characters care about each other, the more drama can ensue when things go wrong ;)
> 
> Please feel free to drop a comment! Thanks for reading!


	2. Fortitude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who commented, subscribed, bookmarked, kudos... It means everything to me. While this update is like 4 weeks past when I wanted to put this out and perhaps I'm not as satisfied as I'd like to be with it, I felt I couldn't hold off posting this any longer. My updates should be coming much more frequently and I'll be posting companion trailers for chapters on my Instagram @ejchronicles and my YouTube channel EJ Chronicles. Your feedback means everything so keep it coming :)

Darkness; it’s warmer than Kara imagined it would be. There’s a gentle hum in the distance and there’s a feeling of nostalgia inside her that she can’t quite pinpoint. Where she should be on edge, she feels completely at ease.

The blonde vaguely wonders if this is what dying feels like. On her planet, Kryptonians were taught to believe in the practicalities of technology and science. Death was always seen as an overall cease in existence; no heaven to unite with Rao on, no feelings, no consciousness.  _ Nothing. _ It was comforting never worrying about some greater unknown.

But as Kara absorbs what can only be described as an infinite energy surrounding her, she wonders if humans were right. That if there was in fact some mystical white light preparing to reach out to her at any moment.

She takes a step forward to explore, but stops as she feels the ground transform from a hard concrete to a silky white sand under her feet. A gust of wind draws her attention up and in an instant the black walls around her collapse and a rich red skyline seeps through. Another breeze passes her and the faint crash of midnight waves spray along her legs.

For the first time in over two decades, Kara is  **home.**

It’s smaller than she remembers - the beach her family used to frequent when she was a child. What was once a vast ocean with miles of coast, now feels more like a large lake with a narrow walkway.

Regardless, Kara allows herself to wander along the edge and welcome the unparalleled peace of her home planet. She feels no sense of worry, no inclination to even think.

“Kara…”

She whirls around at the voice behind her interrupting her tranquility, but comes face to face with no one. Perhaps she’s imagining it. As she turns forward again, her glowing red sky is melted away, the deep blue waves dissolve, and the warm sand under her hardens.

The solemn dusk settles and Kara runs, trying to reach out to that familiarity. Her name continues to echo around her but the voices become louder the faster she runs. It’s inescapable and she feels swallowed by the pressure.

She can single out one of the voices calling out to her and she’s suddenly halting her getaway. The voice is an angelic whisper in her ear and refills her heart with a newer, more authentic sentiment. As she shifts to come face to face with the source, a golden light blinds her and the noises of life burst through her heaven and she’s jerking her body forward, as if to catch herself from falling.

She opens her eyes franticly and they assess her surroundings rapidly. Various equipment is around her: burning sunlamps cascade down above her body, multiple colorful wires string from her head and chest to various machines beside her, and a set of over a dozen x rays hang on the wall.  _ She’s awake. _

However, as soon as relief sets within Kara that she’s  _ survived _ , a greater feeling of mocking seeps its way through her as she absorbs the sights around her with greater comprehension. Here she is, in perfect condition, not a scratch or bruise on her to reveal the trauma she’s experienced; here she can sit so  _ alive _ and out there somewhere Mon-El is speckled dust wandering in the wind of the Earth’s atmosphere. His existence is literally crushed to nothingness and, for the first time in her life, Kara is truly guilty for her powers.

Mon-El was never a perfect man, and maybe he never inspired an all-consuming love inside her like Kara dreamed of once she came to earth, but Kara was proud of the man he was becoming over their time together. His ignorance and selfishness were learned through his society and his status. Who would Kara be to give up on someone who clearly was so lost in their ideals?

He knew her world before Earth and experienced the perils of losing one, too. It was easy to find a connection in that despite the imperfections their love experienced. So, to see her life splayed so openly in front of her in the form of beeping machines and artificial radiating warmth, only serves to make her mourn the loss of another people only seeking to survive. Even though the Daxamites were choosing war and destruction to do so, Kara understood. They wanted another chance at life. They lost everything and it caused a type of desperation to flourish within them. It didn’t make their actions right, but Kara saw the truth beyond their hate.

A faint shuffle pulls her out of her darkening hole of despair and Kara lifts her eyes to find she hasn’t been alone: Lena Luthor’s sitting off in a chair in the corner of the room, wrapped around herself reading some nonfiction book on applied physics.

The sight seems innocent enough until Kara notices Lena’s attire.  _ Glasses  _ are perched tightly on the edge of her nose (she didn’t even know Lena needed glasses) and her hair is in an unkempt bun with  _ loose strands _ everywhere. Following her eyes down, she finds Lena in a wrinkled  _ tee shirt _ and…  _ sweatpants _ … with  _ sneakers?? _

Kara Danvers knew coming back to the real world after so long would be an adjustment, but nothing in her right mind could ever have prepared her for the sight unfolding in front of her. It’s enough to make her forget all about dead boyfriends and a destroyed alien race, because all the thoughts and questions and emotions she had before are flying away from her as she lays eyes on what she can only view as a stranger in comparison to the friend she’s come to know. Lena’s whole expression is at home and Kara has never known the woman to be so…  _ content _ .

Before Kara can even muster a few words out, Lena glances up at her. She looks back down again at her book casually before her whole body stiffens and looks back up at Kara again. Her book shuts instantly in a loud snap as Lena hastily stands up and rushes towards her. In almost the same breath, Lena’s wrapping her arms around Kara’s body in a tight embrace.

“Oh my God. You’re awake,” Lena exclaims. “Like  _ awake _ , awake.”

Her embrace is strong, but quick. Before Kara can think to reciprocate, Lena is moving her body away, grabbing onto the blonde’s shoulders to look at her fully.

“How are you feeling?”

“I… Um…” Kara’s rendered speechless by the onslaught of emotions. “Better. I’m… better.”

Lena smiles widely before crashing her body back into Kara’s, giving the hero an opportunity to finally reciprocate her hug.

“I’m so happy. I’m really glad you’re okay.”

“Me too.”

Kara allows herself to fully settle into the embrace.

“I’m surprised you’re here,” the Kryptonite adds quietly. “I wasn’t expecting you’d be who I woke up to. Twice no less.”

Kara’s words are a splash of ice cold water on the bubbling warmth floating inside Lena and the billionaire gently pushes herself away from her, realizing how easy she’s falling back into her bad habits. She glances away nervously in an attempt to throw her reservations back up.

“Right.” Lena takes a moment to collect herself before putting some distance between the two of them. She’s trying to get a grip on her thoughts to do this the right way. “Yeah, you were out for another couple of days so it’s good to see you so… full of  _ life _ ,” she says carefully. “Look, Kara. I don’t want to force you into a long conversation right after you’ve awaken, but there’s a lot we need to discuss and I don’t plan on staying here at the DEO much longer. I’ve already outlasted my initial length of stay.”

“Yeah, I can see you’ve acclimated yourself to the DEO,” Kara gestures around her.

“Alex and J’onn informed me of  **all** of what it is they do here.” Lena looks at Kara pointedly. “And  _ your _ involvement in it.”

“Lena…”

“It’s okay,” Lena reassures hastily. “I know.”

“Just let me explain why I didn’t tell you,” Kara pushes.

“There’s nothing to explain. It was your secret. My family doesn’t have the best track record with aliens as it is. I see where your caution came from.”

“Lena-”

“Besides, it’s in the past. I’ve had a month to think on it. Plenty of time to let that go.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

The weight of those apologies tug heavy on both of them. It’s more than just Kara apologizing for keeping Supergirl a secret. It’s more than Lena causing the invasion. It’s more than Mon-El dying. It’s more than endangering Lena’s life by concealing how intertwined Kara truly is against Cadmus.

“Why did they take you here? Expose all of this… all of me to you?” Kara implores.

“It was me who found you,” Lena states. “On the ground after Rhea pushed you off the roof or you fell off or whatever had happened. Winn and I had left L Corp for safety because of the damaged infrastructure. We witnessed you falling and I ran to help you.”

“I don’t remember you being there,” Kara mutters to herself. “I actually don’t remember hitting the ground at all…”

“You were a mess. The dagger was sticking out of you and you were bleeding… Everywhere.” Lena looks at her with a pained expression at the memory.

“If I’m exposed to too much Kryptonite, and if it enters into my bloodstream, I’m not only powerless, but it can immediately kill me. I become less than human.”

“I know that.” Kara looks at her confused. “My brother did spend years trying to kill your cousin,” Lena reminds her.

“Oh. Right.” Kara looks around awkwardly, sensing the tension building between them. “I’m sorry you had to see that,” she concedes. “You didn’t have to be there for me.”

“I really did, though. Supergirl has been such a savior to me. All those times in danger, she’d just been there to rescue me. I figured I owed you whatever I could.”

“You never owe me anything. You’re my best friend, Lena. I care about you  _ so _ much.”

Kara holds Lena’s gaze back at her, emphasizing the truth behind her statement. It renders Lena speechless.

It’s words like that, that get Lena into so much trouble to begin with. They are a trap. She’d get herself into more trouble if she listened to them. She’d get hurt. Her own personal, emotional Kryptonite. Ironic when Supergirl is sitting there in front of her. It’s proof no one, no matter how powerful, is truly immortal.

So Lena pushes all the feelings Kara ignites inside her and forces her gaze away from those gentle eyes and she focuses on her job at hand.

“Anyway, Alex and J’onn arrived quickly after Winn and I did. They tried whisking you away to save you but I refused to leave your side. Not without knowing you were okay. Alex was the one who approved me to come with them. She told me everything about… well, both of you.”

“Lena-”

“I said it’s fine,” Lena rushes out. “ _ I’m _ fine. I can see you’re okay and that’s all I came here for.”

Silence fills the air again as Kara fails to grasp why Lena is being so nonchalant about all of this. Kara had expected the discovery of her secret to be a huge ordeal - it is one of the largest secrets a friend can keep from the other - yet, Lena is maintaining the utmost calm demeanor. It almost  _ frightens _ Kara.

“Kara, I think it’s best we don’t maintain our friendship anymore.”

“What? Why?!” That was  _ not _ what Kara was expecting Lena to say next.

“All of this is a conflict of interest. It implicates both of us in serious ways. J’onn and Alex allowed me the information they did with the understanding I would not stay once you were recovered. Cadmus knows of the DEO so my knowledge and presence here isn’t influencing anything. However, my ties to my family endanger both you and me.”

“I can protect myself, Lena. And I’m backed by the DEO.” Kara forces herself to get off the lab table and stand up. She braces her hand as support as she slowly walks towards Lena. “They can protect you, too,” Kara adds softly.

“Working with the DEO is not an option for me.” Lena turns her body away from Kara to keep her distance.

“Yes it is. You’re a genius and your resources could be such an asset to a place like this.”

“Not when my goals don’t align with theirs,” Lena forces out bitterly.

“What does that mean?” Kara stops herself, unsure of how to approach this newly exposed side of Lena. She tentatively grabs Lena’s hand and turns her around.

“Lena…”

Lena lets her gaze linger on Kara’s loving eyes before she pushes herself away again.

“It means... as indebted as I am to Supergirl’s constant rescue of me, this Daxamite invasion has strained my ability to find positives in the existence of aliens on this Earth.”

“You know none of this is your fault, right?”

Kara places her hand on Lena’s shoulder, trying to pull her back to her again. Lena relaxes into the small gesture, allowing herself a moment of vulnerability, unable to resist Kara’s warmth, especially when the tenderness with which Kara uses to caress Lena flashes her back to the first time Kara ever initiated such contact with her.

As silence saturates the room, Lena drifts back to that moment. At the time, Kara and Lena had only met two months prior and had only just started meeting for lunch regularly. Kara was busy with some kind of major interview that day and had to cancel their plans. And on Lena’s end, she was cooped up in her office all day trying to finalize distribution plans for medical equipment in L Corp funded hospitals. It was supposed to be finished days ago but the team spearheading the project messed up on numbers and it wasn’t caught until the night before. The whole day had been a disaster and in a particularly bad case of self-loathing, Lena spent half the night drinking scotch in her office before Kara had startled her with an appearance. In both hands were piles of Lena’s favorite food from all over the city and a small stack of Kara’s favorite CDs. It was the last thing Lena had ever expected, yet it was exactly what she had needed.

They sat on her office carpet listening to music, stuffing their faces, and venting. It was sunrise when they finally moved from the carpet, but only to make their way onto the balcony and watch the sun. It was there Lena quietly admitted she was happy to have met Kara and fearful she’d lose their friendship, no matter how short it had actually been.

And Kara being Kara gave Lena the most bashful of smiles, jerkily adjusted her glasses, and leaned in to grasp Lena’s hand, promising she’d always be there. And Lena believed her wholeheartedly. The gesture was simple and sweet, but it was like a floodgate had opened for Lena. It was the first time Lena had ever felt unadulteratedly…  _ safe _ .

And as Lena snaps herself back to the present from such an ordinary memory, the current circumstances of Kara and hers situation has marred that moment with bitterness. Because it’s different now. That day, when Kara cancelled, Supergirl was on the news fighting a group of aliens. That night when Lena kept pressing Kara to explain how she got all of Lena’s favorite foods, Kara brushed it off as getting help from friends. When Lena noticed how awake Kara still looked early that morning, Kara shrugged it over some coffee she had late in the night. At the time, Lena saw Kara’s explanations as quirky: Kara was just hard working and was an above average friend and was naturally highly energized. But the truth was Kara was more than that. In between her human life, she somehow managed time to save the world as Supergirl.

And once again Lena’s reminded how fucked up this all is. She wishes more than anything she could go back to the purity of that day, but it’s a changed world and she can’t afford to risk Kara by being in her life.

“I don’t blame you for what happened,” Kara says tenderly, breaking Lena from her thoughts. Just a month ago that comment would’ve been her saving grace, but now it only serves to fuel Lena’s turmoil. It enrages her that even throughout everything, Kara can’t see how truly wrong Lena is in her life. So Lena shoves herself feet away from Kara and flails her arms dramatically to replace her self despair with such anger.

“You should though!” Lena yells. “I allowed an alien to influence my judgement. I built something that could’ve brought on the end of humanity itself. I single handedly take that responsibility.”

“But you saved it all too!”

Lena finally turns around. The desperation she feels to simply not cry in this moment is overwhelming. If she were to analyze hard enough, she can almost convince herself the look Kara is giving her right now is of unwavering adoration, almost as if Kara sees Lena like she’s her own personal universe.

_ Of course she does,  _ Lena thinks sarcastically.

“I shouldn’t have had to save anything…” Lena mutters. “Kara, I love that you see the absolute best version of people. It’s one of the reasons I was so charmed when I first met you. But your purity is also your greatest flaw. You are too good to let the world’s darkest truths manifest within you. And you’ll never allow yourself to see this invasion was only the beginning. This is only igniting fights from both sides and we have to establish our allegiance.”

“What does that mean? You’re joining your mother?”

“Cadmus is not ethical, but some of the work they are doing is essential to protect this planet.”

“Lena you don’t have to do this,” Kara urges. “Please, don’t do this. Choosing them ruins everything you’ve worked so hard to prove about yourself.”

“Choosing them protects me.”

“Protects you from what?”

“From-”

“From what, Lena?”

“From  _ you _ !”

“You know I’d never hurt you.”

“That’s not what I mean!”

“Then what  _ do _ you mean?!”

“I have nothing to lose joining them. Being here, having you in my life, it’s all potential to experience a loss I cannot come back from.”

“But walking away guarantees you’ll lose me.”

Kara reaches her hand out to Lena, but Lena yanks her hand away.

“Don’t touch me,” Lena spits out.

The room swims in the echoes of Lena’s words. The malice behind them reminiscent of Lillian Luthor herself. Kara can’t even begin to recognize the woman standing before her. She can’t decipher a single piece of this newly formed puzzle that is her best friend and she can slowly feel their time together slipping all at once and the ache that wades deep in her stomach burns her more than any physical wound ever could.

“Lena please don’t do this,” Kara begs.

A few stray tears finally manage to cascade down her face.

“Not to me.”

A quiet sob wrecks its way through Kara’s lips.

“Not to us.”

She inhales a gasp of breath in an attempt to settle herself.

“Not to yourself.”

A rogue tear falls from Lena’s eyes. And  _ fuck _ does it anger her that she can’t even get through this without losing it, even if only for a moment. The weeks of prepping and years of emotional denial still can’t save her the overwrought turmoil pushing its way to the surface.

“I have lost everyone!” Lena shouts. “I won’t allow myself to grieve over you! The sheer agony in waiting for you to wake up…” she breaks. “I won’t allow myself to get lost in the process of choosing the wrong people to love. Especially you.”

“I…” Kara trails off; she’s openly weeping, unable to properly respond.

And Lena reels in her own pending emotional breakdown. She hardens her expression and removes all the light from inside her to utter what she needs to next. The words she knows she can never take back. The words she knows will destroy every crevice of warmth she’s kept inside her heart. The words she will spend the rest of her life regretting and hating herself over.

Lena forces herself to say what feels like the most inconceivable thing she could possibly utter. She chooses to do all that, dismantle every part of who she’s become, to make the most selfless decision of her life.

“Goodbye, Kara.”


	3. Another Wave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So working towards more regular updates flew out the window. I've been sick on and off for weeks and then my job took over my life. But I bring another chapter so hopefully that makes up for it??? Thanks again to everyone who left kudos or comments!!

Forty days. Eleven hours. Fifty three minutes.

That was the last time Kara Danvers saw Lena Luthor. It was the last time any of them saw Lena, though Kara is the only one who remembers the exact time.

Kara plummeted from the Daxamite invasion with a dead boyfriend and she woke up a month later to a runaway best friend as a new potential enemy.

In the first few days, Kara tried everything to find Lena to talk to her, to change her mind. However, in every place she looked, it was like Lena never even existed at all. Lena signed away L Corp temporarily to Maxwell Lord while she went on “sabbatical.” Lena broke her lease and moved out of her apartment. Lena sold her summer home in Cabo and her winter home in Switzerland. Her phone and laptop were permanently offline, meticulously left to her secretary, Jess. Lena effectively made herself untrackable and untraceable.

Kara flew everywhere, talking to any person she could to get information from. Maxwell Lord was just as surprised at his promotion as everyone else was. All he had were documents from Lena’s lawyers outlining his control over the company, with Lena having absolute say when that control would end. But he was never given a specific date on when that would be. Her landlord described her lawyers approaching him with a lease termination agreement and a generous check in compensation for breaking contract. Her neighbors described birley men all dressed the same moving her furniture into a giant truck on the side of the road. They were finished within an hour. The home buyers in Cabo and Switzerland only dealt with Lena’s real estate agent. Jess came into work one morning with a simple note instructing her to “Keep these safe” sitting on her desk.

The growing trend: no one ever had contact with Lena. No one even saw her.

A week into dead end leads, Kara got frustrated. So she pressured Winn to search Lena’s passport activities, her bank account patterns, anything. But there was nothing. All of it remained untouched.

So Kara got desperate. She pushed Winn to run facial recognition through all CCTV cameras nationally in the hopes of a hit that proved Lena existed  _ somewhere _ . But that was taking too long. Even if they got a hit, it could be from weeks ago. All the technology in the world wouldn’t have been able to handle the processing capabilities she was asking for.

Truthfully, Kara knew that.

But that wouldn’t stop her from trying.

She even tried looking for a trace of Cadmus or even Lillian Luthor. By expanding her search, she hoped to find any possible crevice of a connection.

_ Someone had to know something. _

Every off moment she had, she spent looking for Lena. Losing Mon-El was bad enough. She had no control over that and she had no chance of bringing him back. But Lena was out there and that was enough to motivate her efforts. It didn’t matter that every day she’d come up short as long as she knew Lena could still be there.

Right now, as she floated over National City, she allowed herself that moment of reassurance: no sign of Lena meant she at least could still be alive, could still be  _ her _ Lena.

“Supergirl, we’ve got a 10-98. We need your assistance. I repeat a 10-98,” J’onn echoes out to her.

All the distractions in the world wouldn’t be enough to placate such a thought. But Kara still has jobs to do. So she immediately flies herself towards the DEO, bursts through the balcony opening, and springs into action. There’s a smoldering circle of fire in the center of the room and Kara immediately recognizes Scorcher in the center of it, choke holding Agent Vasquez.

“Supergirl,” Scorcher taunts. “I was beginning to wonder when you’d show up.”

“Let her go,” Alex commands. Kara sees her, gun raised, slowly approaching Scorcher. “You’re surrounded.”

“I’m not doing anything you tell me.”

“You should listen to her,” Kara demands. “This can only end badly for you.”

“I’ll take my chances.”

In a flash, she projects a ball of fire directly at Kara. In anticipation of such a move, Kara lunges herself out of the way as the fire blasts through a column, random pieces of concrete torpeding in every direction. Another burst of flame hurdles towards her and Kara barely has enough time to fly out of reach before the assault ruptures through the marble floor below her.

“What’s the matter? Can’t take a little heat?” Scorcher jeers.

Kara surges forward, all rage as her speed leaves a clap of sound echoing throughout the room. She whirls full speed to temporarily extinguish the fire blazing a protective ring around the villain.

“Alex! Now!” Kara yells.

In an instant, a shot rings out, Scorcher collapses and Agent Vasquez rings herself free. Kara finally settles herself on the ground beside the escaped prisoner as DEO agents apprehend her. Kara looks up as Alex approaches, smirk firm on her face.

“I really love my alien gun.”

* * *

“Nice moves, Supergirl,” J’onn says as he walks towards Kara. He pats her on the back with reserved affection and nods his head in approval. She nods curtly, shrugging out of the gesture, before turning to Alex.

“Any luck figuring out who let Scorcher escape her cell?” the hero questions.

“Still running through security,” Winn calls out from his computer.

“We’ve apprehended all agents in the building at the time leading up to the ambush and they are currently in interrogation,” Alex adds.

“Good,” Kara affirms. “Great job tonight guys.”

At that, everyone returns to their respective stations. J’onn walks away to some other agents, Winn continues typing away distractedly, Alex scrolls through a report on one of the tablets.  _ Just like normal. _

However, just like any distraction, no matter how good, it only serves to act like a silly string of idle commercial breaks; it was back to business. There was always an important task at hand and nothing, regardless of how great, would take Kara away from that. So she approaches Winn as he sits back down at his desk.

“Winn, have you gotten any hits on that data I asked you to run?”

“Oh, uh…” Winn glances around nervously before shaking his head. “No, I’m sorry. I got nothing.”

“Are you sure?” Kara interrogates, clearly unsatisfied, “It’s been almost a month!”

Alex steps in at the rising verbal commotion and tries to lay a hand on Kara’s shoulder.

“If he says he doesn’t have anything, he doesn’t Kara.”

Kara yanks her body away from the gesture.

“Stay out of this, Alex!”

“Hey, I’m not here to attack you. Just cut Winn some slack,” the agent responds gently. “It’s a lot of data to analyze all at once.”

Kara lingers her gaze on Alex for a moment, processing her words. The Kryptonian knows she’s right. She knows her hostility towards a friend isn’t going to solve anything. Regardless, Kara’s powers haven’t been enough and if one of the smartest people she knows with some of the most powerful technology in the world can’t find anything on Lena, it only serves as a matter of time before Kara’s desperation becomes her undoing. She’s scared of the person she might become if such a thing is realized through her.

She takes a deep breath and reels in her bubbling irritation, squaring her shoulders back and hardening her features.

“Yeah. Right. Just keep digging,” she placates. The superhero attempts to build back up her walls and push away all the wallowing thoughts planted inside her. She takes a few steps back towards the balcony, prepared to spend yet another night roaming the world for every person who ever possibly encountered Lena Luthor since Kara last saw her. “I’ve got business to take care so now that we’re all settled here, I’m taking off.”

“Wait!” Alex rushes out. “Kara, can we talk for a second?”

“Uh, sure.” The blonde makes no effort to move. “Just make it quick.”

Kara saw this next part coming: the part of her night where Alex stops her departure from the DEO (or calls her or randomly shows up at her apartment). Alex would always start with an innocent enough gesture to hang out:

“We’re heading to the Alien Bar once we finish up if you want to come.”

_ And Alex doesn’t disappoint. _ Perhaps it’s her agent status that makes routine an innate part of who she is or maybe it’s her instinct to over worry about her alien sibling, but Kara finds Alex’s predictability a growing annoyance as the days go on.

“I can’t. I just told you I’m busy.”

Yet, the second Kara would utter her vague reason for bailing, Alex would flip a switch: from casual and gentle, to frustrated and defensive.

“Oh, yeah? With what?”

_ Just like that. _

“Don’t start again, Alex.”

“I told you to stop looking for Lena.”

“And I told you this has nothing to do with you.”

“She was my friend too, Kara.”

“It’s not the same and you know it.”

“Don’t be like that. Just because you were in a coma during our friendship doesn’t invalidate it.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?”

Kara stays silent. She looks away, at a loss for excuses momentarily. The truth is, the blonde couldn’t explain to Alex why she was so adamant in finding Lena even if she wanted to. She honestly couldn’t even explain it to herself. Through this whole process, Kara’s avoided doing any sort of soul searching to explain why Lena’s walking away has affected her so deeply. She knew she cared for Lena immensely. Lena’s her best friend. But it’s more than that.

“Kara…” Alex whispers dejectedly. “She made her choice.”

There’s a terrible amount of pity swimming in Alex’s eyes and it threatens to ruin Kara for a moment. A subtle reminder that Alex understands this more than the hero would like to admit. Maggie did break up with Alex without explanation after all. Sure, Maggie’s still a calling distance away, however, it doesn’t change Alex lost one of the most important people in her life. Her sister’s been reaping the damage of the fallout for almost two months and Kara can still see the difficulty Alex has just to go through everyday tasks sometimes.

Yet, Kara won’t allow herself to drown in the pity. So, alternatively, she grows more adamant and more determined.

“And I’m going to find her and change her mind and, and stop Cadmus.”

Because deep down Kara feels guilty that Lena left because of her deception as Supergirl. That Lena panicked and walked away if only to build the walls Kara took so much time trying to knock down.

“You need to let this go,” Alex warns.

“I don’t want to let this go!”

Kara knew how hard it was for Lena to trust anyone, but she persisted anyway. She always felt drawn to Lena’s grandeur juxtaposed with her simplicity. Lena could make herself appear like the most important person in the room but she never made Kara feel that way. She made Kara feel like an equal. She welcomed Kara’s high morals and good-natured instincts, despite her naivety, and she saw how it influenced Lena in such positive ways.

“She doesn’t want to be found,” Alex hammers on. “Do you not understand that?”

“Why does it feel like you know more than you’re letting on?”

“I just-”

“Why have you been so quick to shut down every attempt of mine to find her?”

Lena pushed Kara, too. To see life for its truth, even when it was painful to do so. Because Lena was always there to soften the blow and walk her through how to interpret this darker side by countering it with newfound optimism. It was like Lena opened up an honest reality that was neither ideal or utilitarian. It was just authentic.

“Because she told me things, okay?” Alex acquiesces.

“She… What?” Kara falters. “Told you what?”

Kara missed Lena.

“The truth. She told me a lot of things about herself, things she could never tell you.”

“You’re lying. We told each other everything.”

She missed her so much in ways she couldn’t begin to resolve.

“Now that’s a lie. You pretended to be two people in front of her… She couldn’t open up to Kara about these…  _ things _ because you were her friend and she didn’t want to ruin that. And she couldn’t tell Supergirl because she knew the strained Super-Luthor relationship could snap at any moment if she fell out of line.”

“What does that even mean?”

She missed Lena more than she missed Mon-El, if she was being entirely honest. That thought didn’t even scare her. She loved Mon-El, but he wasn’t around long enough to engrain such personal feelings into Kara’s heart.

“I can’t say. It’s not my secrets to tell. Just know the second she found out the two of you were one in the same… she couldn’t deal with the demons anymore. So she made a choice. One that protected both of you. And you can’t see that and maybe you never will but this was for the best, Kara.”

Lena was a friend the second Kara laid eyes on to her. It was only a matter of time before she felt like family.

“Everyone keeps saying that. But how was this for the best, how was this what protected me, if all I feel is sadness and hurt? You’d think after losing my whole planet and my entire family I’d be used to losing people, used to the death and destruction and disappointment and betrayal. But that’s something you  _ never _ get used to. I couldn’t control what happened to Mon-El or my family or my home… But I have a chance to change things between Lena and I. I have to keep searching because she’s not gone and I refuse to grieve over someone if I don’t have to.”

And family meant everything to Kara. Family meant more than any boyfriend ever could.

“Kara…”

Alex reaches out to her tenderly. But Kara is already backing away from her.

“Alex, don’t.”

Kara Danvers refused to lose any more family.

“I’ve got a few leads to follow tonight,” Kara hollowly calls behind her. “Ring me if you need anything.”

Even if it meant losing herself in the process.


End file.
